Loss of a Child

At 7:45am this morning my husband and I ate breakfast together. The house was quiet and the mood somber. It was quite a contrast from the frenetic pace that our foster-daughter had us in. A strict schedule of breakfast, washing up, getting dressed, making lunch, taking meds and off to school-hubby off to work and me -back to home to enjoy another cup of coffee and my morning meditation before I open the laptop.
The day before a volatile tantrum ended in her request to leave our home after 5 months with us. As a foster child, (even though she is 11 going on seven)-she had that right. Even though we knew it would not be in her best interests and even though her social workers knew it would not be in her best interests, she had packed up her things on Sunday, and a bevy of social workers, psychologists, support counselors, descended on our home for hours to see if there could be a shift in attitude. But it was too late. After sleepless nights and much analysis, we made our decision.
We didn’t sign up for a child with deep psychological issues but that’s what we ended up with. And even then, we were willing to love and support her but the resources weren’t there to support us in getting her the help she needed to thrive in our home. The battle with her mental demons were no match to the strength of what we could do for her ;but the battle with a frayed system that had us begging for therapy and support systems weighed us down heavily–beyond what we were capable of.
And so we let go,,,, gently, gracefully – on her own terms with no goodbyes, thank you, or well wishes. Hours later a tearful child filled with remorse wanted back into our hearts but the door had closed on this chapter of our lives.
Child abuse and neglect is reaching epidemic proportions with disastrous consequences. Judges, lawyers, physicians and other community professionals agree that tax dollars would be best spent preventing abuse and preserving families. Unfortunately, adequate resources have not been invested by state and Federal government to make significant prevention possible. One problem is that on both these levels the political constituency necessary to meet the needs of children has not been organized.
An estimated 905,000 children were victims of child abuse or neglect in 2006 (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2008). Neglect occurs more frequently than abuse and can be equally damaging and deadly. 30% of all child fatalities are due to neglect.
“How would we feel if one of our children was overpowered by a serious disease and did some terrible things without knowing what he or she was doing? We should try to view someone dear who suddenly hurts us in the same light. If we can see that person is out of control and sick with negative emotions, we will not feel so much hatred and disgust. There may be resentment, and we may not be able to love that person more than before, but almost automatically there will be a certain sympathy that will lessen or end our hatred and allow us to forgive.”
– from “Daring Steps Toward Fearlessness: The Three Vehicles of Buddhism” by Ringu Tulku Rinpoche, edited and translated by Rosemarie Fuchs, published by Snow Lion Publications

Tagged as: foster care adopt